stopped

very often i find myself standing in the depths of time.

where everyone else around me tends to fade out for an instance.

time, people, and all reality is lost within existance.

you wonder where i go?

so do i.

in life there are numerous paths to choose.

go left, go right, and sometimes, you just turn back around and go right where you came from.

some of us don't have the ability to choose where we want to go, and we either stay in the same places that we've been, or head right back down the path that we came from.

when its my choice to decide what path im ready to go down, i usually get lost somewhere inbetween trying to get there, and deciding where it is i want to go.

today is december 17, 2010 and i am lost in the middle of nowhere.

not a place where it seems like there isnt much around, but i am literly stuck somewhere between reality, choice, and all the paths i have ever decided to go down.

life.

l

i

f

e.

l

i

f

e

it changes.

and at times it speeds up so fast, and spins uncontrollably out of your reach.

you want to look back and just grab it, you want to capture every stinking memory, and every chance that you let slip out of your reach.

even when something isn't yours to have, even when you seem to not only have lost yourself, but your hold that you have upon other people, you want to continue to hold on to them, or somehow make them yours.

thr trickiest, unfortunate, and sometimes extraveagent scenarios come from going down the wrong path, and maybe not the wrong path, but a path unexpected.

three people whom have never even met before decide that they want to turn right.

and one person seems to veers and makes a sharp turn.

three people that meet eachother.

is it fate?

is it a matter of decision, or chance? is it time that was stopped for a moment?

was it influience, was it pain? was it a challenge that they were all willing to take upon themselves?

and then that fourth person.

four people whom wouldve never met otherwise.

time has been on hold for me for a long time.

and although my existance is still pure, without him to keep me alive, without him to guide me down these paths in the future, i wonder where the hell im going to be if he decides to leave.

will time exist then?

there are no rainbows in hell

its funny how someone as dangerous as I, can fall into someone as sweet as my self.
and although I am nolonger dangerous, and... I am no longer sweet....It doesn't mean that isn't true that I WAS that way.



I fall away from myself sometimes.

This was the beggining of last year's summer.

My first summer in years where the air was suddenly calm, and my battles with addiction had finally put an end to.

Jamie Spurgeon.

My first real freind, like ever.

HA, I know last summer wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for her.

Shit, this girl has been there for me through everything.

Without Jamie, I am not sure how I could've got through some of the toughest time in my life.

I miss her.

Hopefully this summer I can have the courage to change into someome I like more as a person.

I don't want to slip through these holes, I want to sit under the sky, and have my dreams and hopes come through somewhere much higher than the clouds.

Somewhere that shines as bright as the milky way.

generation

to feed off passion

there are three main passions that have come in my life. that is to be in love, to bring in knowledge, and this unbearable pity for the human race as it suffers. Love brings happiness, forms of euporphic ecstasy, and it bans lonliness.

To foreshadow these visions of perfection, of heavens, all of the mystics people everywhere has imagined...is intriguing.

and with the same form of passion, i have come to find some form of knowledge.

i wish that i could yet understand the ways of people. Yet i have wished that i could understand why the stars shine as well as why the sun shines too.love and knowledge can spread up into the unknown, the unimaginable. but its always brought pity down to the hearts of people.

Cries of pain, hungry children, loss of love, torture, screams of help has ALWAYS left endless echoes in my heart. and to this day i long to destroy evil, and demoilsh pain in the hearts of others.

but i can not.

...and i too suffer.

Dear Amber,

Thank you very very much for:

being generous && considerate

unobtrusive && uninteresting.

could i continue on in this state of hope?

maybe.

fuck. At this point it's like i exist in a state of perpetual hope. hope that:

the next person i meet, stranger i smile at, friend i run into is going to end up being something important to me.

i look for connections endlessly

you could tell me that its nice or that it's obnoxious, putting all of my ideas and thoughts out to the world...or to people that dont want to read them in the first place. why nail down the flickerings that past over && through?

who really knows whats going to happen?

i know that i deffinately dont.

one thing i do know is: im down for the ride

there are times i get SO frustrated.

there are times i hate shit.

where i feel like i cant take it.

then i suck it up, and deal with it.

&& i love being such a fucking loser. [=

i love being so god damn pathetic.

i love being so tired that i want to crawl on the floor and go to fucking sleep.

no, i was lying--im not so much a loser.

i just act stupid, && at times feel like an idiot.

but yes, i can be a pathetic, idiotic, selfconscious pesimist.

fuck you, you know you are too.

Hm. All i want at this exact moment in time is to spin a thousand times in circles across my floor until i fucking fall flat on my head. Really, thats all i ask for.

i dont meen that at all.

as a matter of fact this blog has no specific meaning behind it.

if i had the option of doing anything for the past week it would be to go into a state of sleep, where i would have no option but to lay my head on a pillow and escape this reality for 168 hours.

fuck this.

could you even stand another self written love letter?

the longer i stay here the stupider i get.

Because i spend so much time simplifying my words so they can be understood, it seems to me that my thoughts are also getting simpler.

i dont want to let you go.

i still breath you.

and alot of this time i have spent without him i spend thinking of him. being lovesick && hoping for some kind of blessing that will change the distance.

i dont think im stupid or a baby for wanting this at all. not for a second.

i have to admit that i find my own weakness embarrassing.

oh, i worry about being a drag

my most difficult task/recently biggest fear: needing people.

I need people. and im scared of that and scared of fucking everything up && feeling guilty all of the time. and maybe im not going to expect anything back;; EVER. but its beautiful, because it actually works: someone ...gives me a little love, and i feel better, and i dont need to clutch as hard anymore.

im just tired of drowning myself in so much worry.

fuck. i just dont want to wake up one day and have all my plans fall flat out, and break.

i dont want to break into, and i wont break in two over and through.

good luck amber,

i love you

Falling

its such an extreme.

too much for me to grasp,

too much for me to handle.

but im falling now, deep down through the vast emptyness of space.

between the torn and withered pieces of time.

Drowning.
and now its up to me to try to save myself.
this part is all up to me.

sink or swim

Un-doubtfully
im sinking. and this is the most terrifying expirience i've had yet.

im falling now, deep deep past through this thick haze.

Tick. Tick.
tick-tock.

time's come.
theres no turningback.
and this is stupidities reminder of it.

Tick-tock. tick tock.

Unexplainably i fall into this time trap.
past the minutes, the hours,
into my own set of time.

I inhale. Exhale.
Everything spins.
the world and everything else falls short.

Inhale.
wait a minute...
Exhale. The shallow exchange.

Am i making sense?
my mind is lost.

Inhale.
No motion.
No sound.

sink or swim

A voice, deep deep from inside shouts.
the vibrations echo inside my brain.

what are you doing?
Get up, get up!
When you fall you have to pick yourself up again, you got to get up.


then its a clash of voices, faces, faded memories.
i have to get through this.
a hope?
no. hardly.

Amber.
Amber.
Amber.

the water around me thickens like quicksand.
holding me under and leaving me with no options
but to struggle.

theres no chance
were losing her....

amber?
Up through the water i am lifted.
and a wave of panic shoots through me.

I fall again.
this time its much different.
i land somewhere luxurious.

the night is warm,
the sky is orange and fading into
a soft pink.

gorgeous.

I hope to stay here forever.
to feel the water crash against my feet.
to feel the wind fly suddenly through my hair.
through my veins.
to feel the cool spray from the crash of the water.

to feel.

can i stay here forever?