Dear Amber,

Thank you very very much for:

being generous && considerate

unobtrusive && uninteresting.

could i continue on in this state of hope?

maybe.

fuck. At this point it's like i exist in a state of perpetual hope. hope that:

the next person i meet, stranger i smile at, friend i run into is going to end up being something important to me.

i look for connections endlessly

you could tell me that its nice or that it's obnoxious, putting all of my ideas and thoughts out to the world...or to people that dont want to read them in the first place. why nail down the flickerings that past over && through?

who really knows whats going to happen?

i know that i deffinately dont.

one thing i do know is: im down for the ride

there are times i get SO frustrated.

there are times i hate shit.

where i feel like i cant take it.

then i suck it up, and deal with it.

&& i love being such a fucking loser. [=

i love being so god damn pathetic.

i love being so tired that i want to crawl on the floor and go to fucking sleep.

no, i was lying--im not so much a loser.

i just act stupid, && at times feel like an idiot.

but yes, i can be a pathetic, idiotic, selfconscious pesimist.

fuck you, you know you are too.

Hm. All i want at this exact moment in time is to spin a thousand times in circles across my floor until i fucking fall flat on my head. Really, thats all i ask for.

i dont meen that at all.

as a matter of fact this blog has no specific meaning behind it.

if i had the option of doing anything for the past week it would be to go into a state of sleep, where i would have no option but to lay my head on a pillow and escape this reality for 168 hours.

fuck this.

could you even stand another self written love letter?

the longer i stay here the stupider i get.

Because i spend so much time simplifying my words so they can be understood, it seems to me that my thoughts are also getting simpler.

i dont want to let you go.

i still breath you.

and alot of this time i have spent without him i spend thinking of him. being lovesick && hoping for some kind of blessing that will change the distance.

i dont think im stupid or a baby for wanting this at all. not for a second.

i have to admit that i find my own weakness embarrassing.

oh, i worry about being a drag

my most difficult task/recently biggest fear: needing people.

I need people. and im scared of that and scared of fucking everything up && feeling guilty all of the time. and maybe im not going to expect anything back;; EVER. but its beautiful, because it actually works: someone ...gives me a little love, and i feel better, and i dont need to clutch as hard anymore.

im just tired of drowning myself in so much worry.

fuck. i just dont want to wake up one day and have all my plans fall flat out, and break.

i dont want to break into, and i wont break in two over and through.

good luck amber,

i love you