to feed off passion

there are three main passions that have come in my life. that is to be in love, to bring in knowledge, and this unbearable pity for the human race as it suffers. Love brings happiness, forms of euporphic ecstasy, and it bans lonliness.

To foreshadow these visions of perfection, of heavens, all of the mystics people everywhere has imagined...is intriguing.

and with the same form of passion, i have come to find some form of knowledge.

i wish that i could yet understand the ways of people. Yet i have wished that i could understand why the stars shine as well as why the sun shines too.love and knowledge can spread up into the unknown, the unimaginable. but its always brought pity down to the hearts of people.

Cries of pain, hungry children, loss of love, torture, screams of help has ALWAYS left endless echoes in my heart. and to this day i long to destroy evil, and demoilsh pain in the hearts of others.

but i can not.

...and i too suffer.

Dear Amber,

Thank you very very much for:

being generous && considerate

unobtrusive && uninteresting.

could i continue on in this state of hope?

maybe.

fuck. At this point it's like i exist in a state of perpetual hope. hope that:

the next person i meet, stranger i smile at, friend i run into is going to end up being something important to me.

i look for connections endlessly

you could tell me that its nice or that it's obnoxious, putting all of my ideas and thoughts out to the world...or to people that dont want to read them in the first place. why nail down the flickerings that past over && through?

who really knows whats going to happen?

i know that i deffinately dont.

one thing i do know is: im down for the ride

there are times i get SO frustrated.

there are times i hate shit.

where i feel like i cant take it.

then i suck it up, and deal with it.

&& i love being such a fucking loser. [=

i love being so god damn pathetic.

i love being so tired that i want to crawl on the floor and go to fucking sleep.

no, i was lying--im not so much a loser.

i just act stupid, && at times feel like an idiot.

but yes, i can be a pathetic, idiotic, selfconscious pesimist.

fuck you, you know you are too.

Hm. All i want at this exact moment in time is to spin a thousand times in circles across my floor until i fucking fall flat on my head. Really, thats all i ask for.

i dont meen that at all.

as a matter of fact this blog has no specific meaning behind it.

if i had the option of doing anything for the past week it would be to go into a state of sleep, where i would have no option but to lay my head on a pillow and escape this reality for 168 hours.

fuck this.

could you even stand another self written love letter?

the longer i stay here the stupider i get.

Because i spend so much time simplifying my words so they can be understood, it seems to me that my thoughts are also getting simpler.

i dont want to let you go.

i still breath you.

and alot of this time i have spent without him i spend thinking of him. being lovesick && hoping for some kind of blessing that will change the distance.

i dont think im stupid or a baby for wanting this at all. not for a second.

i have to admit that i find my own weakness embarrassing.

oh, i worry about being a drag

my most difficult task/recently biggest fear: needing people.

I need people. and im scared of that and scared of fucking everything up && feeling guilty all of the time. and maybe im not going to expect anything back;; EVER. but its beautiful, because it actually works: someone ...gives me a little love, and i feel better, and i dont need to clutch as hard anymore.

im just tired of drowning myself in so much worry.

fuck. i just dont want to wake up one day and have all my plans fall flat out, and break.

i dont want to break into, and i wont break in two over and through.

good luck amber,

i love you

Falling

its such an extreme.

too much for me to grasp,

too much for me to handle.

but im falling now, deep down through the vast emptyness of space.

between the torn and withered pieces of time.

Drowning.
and now its up to me to try to save myself.
this part is all up to me.

sink or swim

Un-doubtfully
im sinking. and this is the most terrifying expirience i've had yet.

im falling now, deep deep past through this thick haze.

Tick. Tick.
tick-tock.

time's come.
theres no turningback.
and this is stupidities reminder of it.

Tick-tock. tick tock.

Unexplainably i fall into this time trap.
past the minutes, the hours,
into my own set of time.

I inhale. Exhale.
Everything spins.
the world and everything else falls short.

Inhale.
wait a minute...
Exhale. The shallow exchange.

Am i making sense?
my mind is lost.

Inhale.
No motion.
No sound.

sink or swim

A voice, deep deep from inside shouts.
the vibrations echo inside my brain.

what are you doing?
Get up, get up!
When you fall you have to pick yourself up again, you got to get up.


then its a clash of voices, faces, faded memories.
i have to get through this.
a hope?
no. hardly.

Amber.
Amber.
Amber.

the water around me thickens like quicksand.
holding me under and leaving me with no options
but to struggle.

theres no chance
were losing her....

amber?
Up through the water i am lifted.
and a wave of panic shoots through me.

I fall again.
this time its much different.
i land somewhere luxurious.

the night is warm,
the sky is orange and fading into
a soft pink.

gorgeous.

I hope to stay here forever.
to feel the water crash against my feet.
to feel the wind fly suddenly through my hair.
through my veins.
to feel the cool spray from the crash of the water.

to feel.

can i stay here forever?

"you matter"

"you matter"
October 22, 2009 he looked into everyones eyes and said those two little words.


but as he looked into my eyes, and said those two words to me, and after i felt the familiarity and agony in his stories that reminded me so much of my own, i held onto that. i held onto that feeling of hope that he wanted each and everyone of us to feel, i held onto those words, his words, his stories, and built them into my own story. made everything said apart of my journey.


i felt that connection when my own tears streamed down my face as i shook his hand, and held it for a moment, letting my hand slowly slip out of his, grasping it for only one moment as i looked into his eyes. and he asked me, "do you want to talk about it". and i said no and let go.


by sharing his struggles, his stories, sharing his pain and recovery, he spoke to me in a way that did not need words or further conversation.


you're not alone.
little things matter.
people you love, your real friends, your family are what really, really matters.
dont trust the people that dont care about you.
believe that there are miracles, and they do come to you...even when you dont deserve them.
and never ever, ever give up on helping those who you really care about. nomatter what it takes do not let them slip away.


you may save someones life.


this stranger, no he did not save me from my evils, and he did not cure me from this hollowness that burns so empty throughout my soul.


but this stranger gave me hope. he let me know that you can get through it. if you try not to let the people in your life that really deeply care about you get away, if you try to get help from your true, real friends, you might save yourself.


October 22, 2009 around one pm, a complete stranger touched my heart, and i will not let myself forget such a moment like that.


i will try my best to save myself.

one year five months

ONE YEAR, FIVE MONTHS
WHO AM I? THAT SHOULD BE THE EASIEST QUESTION IN THIS WORLD TO ANSWER.
Yet, at this moment, I have no clue what to say to that. There are two of me right now. The one I am looking at looks almost identical to what I look like right now. Blonde hair, green eyes, and the same inviting smile.
My hand reaches up to touch the other me. Still feels the same.
Then, a flash goes by in my mind. Quicker than the flash of a camera, flash of lightning, faster than the blink of an eye. Lies, secrets, betrayal, and envy. All actions that I did, all emotions that I afflicted upon others.
How is this, that when you are inside of the box, you are completely oblivious of the person you really are? How long do you have to go like that, unaware of the life you lead and examples you set for yourself?
My hand drops, I watch my other half fade away into the darkness of my dream. I close my eyes, and open them again, to find that I am alone. Truly alone. And now I am left to take myself apart, remodel myself. It is time to figure out who I really am.

found

found.
its like for one moment im really looking inside myself.truely, past all the dark places and hidden secrets inside my mind.its like finding a stranger, someone who isn't only depressed, but downright broken.
Its an irrational and unimportant question without an answer.undeserving of introspection.
i remain still as stagnant water, and long after these knots loostened, some inconcievable part of my soul comes out, and i am forced time and time again to check up on the darkest, deepest part of me.
snared by these tangled thoughts i decide that i will bury myself, at least that part of me, very, very deep.deadly sins, horrible mistakes, avarice...feeling the end that has become.
finally, i decide that for once i will wholeheartedly give up this unshakably disasterous life style.zero to sixty, in five point eleven seconds.and right then and there i let it go, grabbing my own hand, at the time im desperately in need for savior, and yank myself away from the future of sufferable consequences, and the harsh brittle truth of reality.
And honestly, its terrifying.Terrifying to suddenly see a glimpse of a shadow of me, that i had no idea even existed.was this unsespected part of me here all along, here when i ignored it right up to the very last minute?Or was i born with it, and carried it inside of me, refusing to let the most difficult and unusual part of me show?